Sunday, August 15, 2010

Leaving Las Vegas

So this was my last Saturday in the US. What better way to say goodbye to California than to come to Las Vegas? (I know, I know, Vegas is in Nevada, but soon it will be a bit more than just a short drive from home).

It's been fun, I guess I don't do what people typically do when they come to Vegas (I don't go crazy shopping or gambling or going to shows, I just like to relax, really), so I've been cherishing moments... having fun, laughing, trying to remember to take pictures (the past few times I came here I didn't take pics since it felt like same old, same old...). For the most time, I'm having fun, but then there's a quick moment I remember that it is the last Friday, or last Saturday, that in a week from now I won't have my kids to hold anymore... and just the thought of that crushes my heart and makes me cry. So then I try to think of something else.

Boyfriend (who is now fiance, but I'll just keep referring to him as "boyfriend" until he becomes hubby hihihi) has been trying to give me support... He doesn't really know what to say when it comes to the kids, and I guess I shouldn't say this but sometimes I feel like he is a bit jealous of them... but he tries to make me see things "on the bright side". Like, hey, next week you'll get to eat some traditional Portuguese pastries!!! Of course eating a traditional Portuguese pastry, as delicious as it is, does not begin to compare to having the kids in my arms, hugging and kissing and randomly reminding me that I am loved by them.
It doesn't make for Ariel trying to kiss my boo-boos away, or Alisa getting into my closet. It's not the same thing as Ava telling me everyday, when I'm leaving for work "I love your outfit, you look so pretty", or having Alec fall asleep in my arms while I lullaby him.

Anyways, I'll get to see Mom and Dad... all my siblings... pretty soon I'll have my own house with Boyfriend... but how do you go from taking 2-week-old triplets in your arms and raising them until they're 4... and then not seeing them turn 5? I wonder how the next day will feel, knowing I'm not gonna be the one taking care of them anymore, for good this time. I'm not gonna be the last person to kiss them goodnight and sing them to sleep, ever again.

If anyone knows how to do that, please tell me, because I am guessing I will have some trouble coping.
Oh, I am also taking tips on how to drive myself to LAX after saying goodbye to them.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

A Year In The Past, Forever In The Future.

In case you don't know, this is the title of a song I love, by a Canadian band called Grade.

It begins like this:
This is the time in my life when everything is falling apart, and at the same time... it's all coming together.

This is very much how I feel right now - somehow conflicted.
Don't think this is all that bad though! Leaving California (yes, it's true!) is being one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through, leaving my babies behind... even though I didn't bare them, I have been there since they were born (literally), nursing, caring, loving... and nearly 4 years have gone by, so yes - they are my babies, but ones I can't take home with me. That breaks my heart so bad, more than it has ever been broken.

On the other hand, I can't help feeling excited about getting together with my family again, spending time with old childhood friends, spending a birthday with Mom, Dad, my brother and bestie - which hasn't happened in 12 years.

Over the past couple of months I've been getting lots of messages from high school colleagues I haven't heard from since..... high school. Even my Philosophy teacher found me on Facebook and added me. So going back to my very roots makes my heart feel warm too.

And then there's the future, oh promising future.
Starting a new life from scratch, with boyfriend - who is now fiance or soon-to-be-hubby. Making plans, executing them, building a home, doing family stuff. Visiting my grandparents on the weekends, having our own dinner parties at home... starting a business, taking risks... those are all exciting things to look forward to.

It's just too bad that, in life, you can't always have everything you want.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

When You Call Me From Beyond

I remember once, when I was little, my sister and her best friend came home from a dinner party breathless, pale, totally freaking out. They said from the moment they left their friend's apartment, a tall man wearing a brown jacket and hat followed them home.

A couple of days later, my mom had coffee with their friend's mom, and noticed hanging on the living room wall the picture of... a tall man, wearing a brown military jacket and hat. After all, he was the friend's dad... who had passed away over 10 years before the event. *creepy*

Mom said that all the widow lady talked about was her late husband and what a great man he was, and how much she missed him. The fact that she hung on to him made him linger... it's weird.

But I do believe that, when 2 people have had a strong connection, one can hear the other call, no matter how far, and I've experienced it, and I've seen it happen to other people.

The only thing is, if these 2 people are apart, it happened for a reason. So maybe calling is not such a good idea...

Saturday, July 3, 2010

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Thursday, June 17, 2010

Chapter 21

"You must be very patient," replied the fox. "First you will sit down at a little distance from me - like that - in the grass. I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me, every day..."

The next day the little prince came back.

"It would have been better to come back at the same hour," said the fox. "If, for example, you come at four o'clock in the afternoon, then at three o'clock I shall begin to be happy. I shall feel happier and happier as the hour advances. At four o'clock, I shall already be worrying and jumping about. I shall show you how happy I am! But if you come at just any time, I shall never know at what hour my heart is to be ready to greet you... One must observe the proper rites..."

I've been sitting here for about half hour now, just looking at the screen and thinking of a way to complement this post... but there's just no complement to "The Little Prince". All that could be said is there.
Amazing how every time I read this book, I learn something new.

Monday, June 14, 2010

The Marketing of Love

You know, the thing about having a blog and keeping it is just... being read. Sometimes, when you have things to say but feel you're not getting through to people, it just feels better to keep to one self, and maybe that's why I've been quiet for so long.

This Saturday, June 12th, was the day that Brazilian people celebrate "Valentine's Day", or just "dating day", since it's obviously not Valentine's but yes, the eve of St. Anthony's day. I personally think this is just a marketing holiday, since the actual Valentine's day is in February and Brazil is overwhelmed with Carnival at that time of the year. But this is just me ranting.

Anyways, I've never celebrated this date, so it really doesn't mean anything to me, I can hardly ever remember that it actually IS "dating day".
The 6 years I lived in Brazil (and up until now), I was either single or away from my beloved one on this date.
I then decided to, from now on, sabotage "dating day" in Brazil - boyfriend and I will only celebrate the actual Valentine's Day and, on June 12th, we'll just act as if it were any other day - in fact we might even pick a fight!

So, opposed to leaving a heart warming message, I thought I'd post instead a video with a song that has the power to break my heart by my just thinking of it.
It is so powerful, so sad and full of memories, that each time I listen to it I can actually feel all the pain and disappointment it once made me feel - talks about a love that is as big as it is uncertain.

I actually prefer the version sung by Evan Dando, but that's virtually impossible to find, so Amy Whinehouse does the trick. I don't care much for her, but she's amazing in this cover.

So please feel the pain in this video, and expect a more glittery happy post from me soon :)

trivia: did you know that this blog was once called "Will you still love me tomorrow", after that song?

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Bad Request

So clearly there's something wrong going on with my browser that does not allow me to post on my blog or comment on other people's blogs. Although my dear friend GAG has patiently tried to help me on every crash, I haven't really been able to fix them, due to my complete illiteracy. What I came up with was... use Safari!
So well, although I am a proud Mac user, I do not care for Safari, but as far as blogging goes - for now -, it's getting the job done! :)

Apparently blogging is not the only bad request I've made lately. I was looking forward to having my "grandma" come over for a visit and it's always a bit frustrating that she only stays for a couple of days - it always seems like such a short visit (she lives in Tennessee), so I was happy that she would finally come for a full 2 week visit.
Today it is a week since her arrival and I cannot wait for her to go back home. There is a reason why she only stays for a few days at a time, I know that now!

She's 2 hours jet-lagged (2 hours ahead of California time), and being a senior she naturally gets up early. She gets up at 6am Tennessee time, which is 4am our time. She starts trotting around the house, and because she knows her daughter (my "mom", with whom I moved in with after boyfriend left) sleeps in, and I am kind of an early bird (certainly not by option), she feels it's ok to just walk in my room at 5am, turn light on and start talking to me - by the way, she's old and doesn't hear well, so she doesn't really talk, she yells.

Monday I was in the worst possible mood because I do need to take some time waking up... and not talking to anybody. I decided to sleep in a little bit since I was starting work later that day, but I obviously didn't do that since she had the housekeeper wake me up: "aren't you supposed to go to work???"
Well, you know... I'm 28 years old, I know how to wake up in time to go to work, and if I'm not up, NO, I DO NOT NEED TO GO TO WORK.

Then she keeps asking me to drive her around all day long... better yet, she doesn't ask, she just tells me "today I'm going to the mall and get my shirt exchanged" and then she will let me know when Ms. Daisy is ready to go.

I mean, I keep telling myself "this is just temporary, she'll be here for only 1 more week.. you can take it", and I really am good with older people in general... but I just don't understand why some seniors think they are above laws, good manners, good sense and other people's right to privacy???

Does anyone else ever have problems dealing with seniors???

Sunday, January 17, 2010

No News Is Good News... Right?

After a very busy crazy hectic 2009, this new year seemed very promising and everyone kept telling me "Don't worry, after the storm..."
Well, it seems that the storm did, indeed, go away, my former nightmare apartment is officially out of my hands since last Friday and I feel like I'm finally coming up to date with my debts.

Other than that, nothing much has been going on, really. In this mean time I guess I'll just wait for something huge (hopefully good huge) to happen! :) By the way, this is a picture taken by myself, in San Clemente, CA. I made a series of postcards with pictures of San Clemente, Dana Point and San Juan Capistrano, and this is one of the pictures in this series.

Anyways, 2010's been a mellow year for me so far, but not for many. Conan O'brien should say so - and just for the record, although I am devastated that he's actually leaving The Tonight Show, I'm not against Leno either. I really admire them both for the entertainers that they are, although I do prefer Conan's type of humor.

Speaking of the Irish devil, he "advertised" in one of his latest shows an organization that is raising some money to relief Haiti. It's called STILLER STRONG and was originally made to raise funds for a school in Haiti. Given the circumstances, all proceeds will temporarily go to emergency relief efforts to the recent earthquake victims.
Please do take the time to check it out, although it is a comedic picture, this is a very serious organization and it is very very easy to donate. I have read that the sms donations alone (a $5usd value) have already passed the $5mi mark - that's a lot of good people helping people in need. And still, that is just a small parcel of what they need.

Anyways, I should go. Tomorrow I kinda expect a visit from a certain someone here on my blog. I will let you know if this person came by :)
Have a great week y'all!

Friday, January 8, 2010

2010, finally!!!

Will this be a better year for blogging? I hope so.

Last year I tried really hard to be a "frequent blogger", but that was a complete fail... either I had no time or I had no energy to sit and write about what was going on in my life - or I was too ashamed to come and whine non stop hehe.

The truth is, 2009 was probably the worst year of all 28 years I've been in this planet. I have never looked forward to a new year as much as I did this time, and still I never got to make plans or resolutions... I was just hoping to make it through the new year - and I did. Good riddance.

Anyways, to sum up... the end of the year was quite catastrophic, my roommates broke several rules on our leasing contract which got us 4 or 5 eviction threats in the past 6 months, they illegally subleased the place to 2 other kids - one of them just happened to be a druggie, I and literally feared for my life every night when I went to sleep, because my bedroom door had no locks, they all decided they wouldn't pay for the bills and taxes and other expenses in the house, which left me with thousands of dollars worth of debt... that I am still working on paying off.

Due to all this, boyfriend could not stay here any longer... he couldn't get a job, I had been cut back to work part-time only... it was hard to support the 2 of us - so boyfriend is now back in Brazil and I'm here in California. We're a few thousand miles apart and hanging.

I moved back to my "family"'s house, it's saving me a lot of money and grief, and I can see "my" babies as often as I want - they make it tolerable to be away from boyfriend.
2009 is gone and so I thought I'd give this a new face... and hopefully I won't whine nearly as much, and post a lot more!!! :)

Oh, also... since I changed the layout, whoever wants to be linked on the side column, please leave a shout out on my comments, that would be helpful! :)

Here's a little video of New Year's... boyfriend had already left, so my family decided to go to Vegas. Those are the fireworks from Planet Hollywood seen from our hotel room.